My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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