So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
