Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
