I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
