I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
