You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
