im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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