the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
