I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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