RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
