____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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