I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
