Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
