My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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