If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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