you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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