did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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