You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
