my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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