If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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