Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
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