i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
