You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
