i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
