I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Is it because I queefed?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
