i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
