nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Damn victory sex feels great
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