Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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