Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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