mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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