I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
