Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you traded sex for a burrito?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
