drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
