i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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