i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
