90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
