Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
