I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
