Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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