How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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