Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
