Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
