She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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