Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
