he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
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Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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