3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
