I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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