as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
