I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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