he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Can I color on your dick again?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
