Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
