Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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