nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
