At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
