i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
