I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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