The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I met the friendliest cop last night
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
