My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
