Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Life is so much better after having sex.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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