i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
