do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
