i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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